This needs to be a conversation, not a confrontation. So prepare as best you can in advance.

Here’s the Lowdown:

Prepare Yourself

Take a deep breath and set yourself up for success by creating a safe, open, and comfortable space to start talking with your teen.

• Hold off until they are not under the influence. Do not start a conversation when your child is drunk or high.
• Get on their level, literally. If your child is sitting you want to be sitting as well.
• Turn off all smartphones and don’t allow any interruptions while you’re talking.
• Set some goals. What do you want your child to take away from the conversation? Try writing down your thoughts to review later.
• Try to put any panic or anger aside. If you’re anxious, find a way calm yourself (take a walk, meditate) beforehand, like taking a walk or speaking with a friend for emotional support.

Establish a Good Connection

As angry or frustrated as you feel, keep reminding yourself to speak and listen from a place of love, support and concern.

• Stay calm. Try to stay as relaxed as possible throughout the conversation.
• Keep focused. Try your best not to overreact to what has already happened. Instead, focus on what you want for your child in the future.
• Watch your voice. You may want to scream and yell, but it’s important to maintain the calm and avoid pushing your child away.
• Body language counts. Be careful of finger-pointing and crossed arms – try a relaxed, open posture instead.
• Listen as much as you talk. Be sure it’s a back-and-forth, not a lecture.
• Try not to be defensive. Don’t take criticism personally. Let it be an opportunity for further discussion.
• Focus completely on your child. Try to see things from their point of view. This will help you better sympathize.
• Put yourself in your child’s shoes. How you would like to be addressed when speaking about a difficult topic?
• Keep an open mind. If your child is feeling judged or fingers pointed at, they are less likely to be hear your message.
• Recognize when you don’t have the energy to be a good listener and agree to restart the conversation (as long as it isn’t dire) at a later, better time.

Having the Conversation

You’ve collected your thoughts and your nerves, but how do you actually start talking? And more importantly, get your child to talk too?

• Express how much you care. Explain that the reason you’re talking and asking questions is because you want them to be healthy and happy.
• Let your child know you value honesty and are willing to listen without making judgments.
• Ask open-ended questions. These are questions that elicit more than just “yes” or “no.”
• Let your child know you hear them. Reflect back on what you’re hearing by rephrasing and asking for input – “Did I get everything? – or with nonverbal cues like nodding and smiling.
• Offer empathy and compassion. Demonstrate understanding and show your child you get it.
• Show your concern. Tell your child you’re worried about them (example, “You haven’t been yourself lately”).
• Clearly state any evidence you’ve found. Example: “You’re not showering, your grades have dropped, and I found empty beer cans in your car.”
• Give lots of praise and positive feedback. Teens and young need to know you can still see beyond the things they’ve done wrong. Find the positives in a situation, no matter how hard it may seem.
• Remind your child of your support. Reassure them that you can always be counted on for support and that they can confide in or seek advice from you whenever it’s needed.
• Show your love. Physical connection is important. Put a hand on your child’s shoulder or give them a hug when it feels right.
• Listen to your child vent. Sometimes they just needs to complain and get things off their chest.
• Be aware that your child could be hiding their true feelings out of fear, embarrassment, or something else. Be careful to not just take what they say at face value.
• Listen between the words. Pay attention to body language, facial expressions, and difficulty finding the right words to use.
• Thank your child for talking with you. Even if the conversation didn’t go exactly as planned, your gratitude will make your child feel good and shows it was important to you.

Break Through Barriers

It can be difficult to get past a flat-out denial of drug or alcohol use from your son or daughter. Some kids can’t bear to take responsibility for their behavior and want to look good at all costs.

• Be firm and loving.
• Don’t yell. Remain calm. It’s harder to fight with – or storm off from – a calm person than it is from somebody who is yelling at you.
• Focus on the behavior and why it worries you. Don’t make it sound like you think your child is a bad person because they tried drugs or alcohol. If your child is preoccupied with framing the discussion around trust, keep emphasizing your concerns for their health and safety.
• Insist on the value of truth telling. Explain that people trust you more when you are honest; that honesty is a highly-respected trait that requires courage and independent thought; and usually liars get caught in their lies.
• Think beforehand about how you could verify their claims and bring them up. For example, if your child says they spent the day at a friend’s house, tell them you may need to call their friend’s mom to check on the story.
• If you have objective proof that your teen or young adult is lying, bring it up. Try not to make it a triumph or contest. It’s not about winning the argument or proving they lied to you, it’s about keeping your child safe.
• Try to find out why they lied instead of going straight to reprimanding them for it. Keep talking and let your child know you will get to the truth no matter how many conversations it takes and that you will do everything available to keep them safe and away from drugs.
• Set clear consequences so your child knows what will happen if he repeats problematic behavior in the future, whether it’s actual drug use or overstepping other limits.
• Consider granting immunity. Some young people get caught in a web of lies and can’t get out. You can sometimes help by offering a chance to clear the record. Tell them that if they tell the truth there will be no immediate consequences but they’ll have to conduct themselves differently in the future. And if they don’t, they’ll be held accountable.
• Reward honesty in the future. If your teen opens up to you and tells you the truth about something that perhaps isn’t so easy for them – be sure to tell them you’re proud of them for doing so.